Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Alien Jesus vs. Biblical Jesus

Picture this: Jesus returns from the dead in all his glowing, haloed glory with a choir of angels in tow. He may even sport Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat for affect. The exalted figure brings the expected good news and bad news. The faithful will ascend into heaven while the doubting collective will be left behind to die off under the regime of this or that Antichrist.

As an atheist, I’m asked what it would take for me to believe the literal word of the Bible. “Evidence and lots of it.” is my typical response. This Revelations-like scenario would seem to qualify. After all, the faithful’s claim of fulfilled prophecy would suddenly become a lot more compelling, but lets examine this further. Jesus’ arrival and call of acceptance of the Bible would still be a hard pill to swallow, even under the circumstances. I’d be forced to believe that...

  • A boat built in a relatively short time by one man can fit every animal on earth and suddenly the net H2O of the planet increases enough to flood every land everywhere.
  • The Force-like parting of the Red Sea is a task that Moses can pull off even when I doubt Yoda could.
  • A talking snake convinces a woman made from a man’s rib to eat from the one tree the confirmed Creator told them not too--even though said creator made them perfect and never made any talking snakes.
  • The raising of Lazarus is the second most impressive non-zombie resurrection in history.
  • The spontaneous duplication of rolls and seafood for a stadium-sized crowd is a sustainable business model.
  • The divine transmogrification of a woman to salt, water to wine, and a virgin to mother all occurred at one time or another.
I’d have to accept all this, right? The frickin’ King of Kings is eyeballing me! What else could I believe? Well, I could believe that...
  • Aliens, biological or artificial in nature, have done basic research into our world and concluded that the most efficient way to gather a manageable population of compliant humans would be to pose as a popular deity. In a diabolically easy plan, the aliens wouldn’t even need an invading army. A single alien could pull this off. He’d probably need a cloaking mechanism for the ship, a holographic projector for the light show, Jesus, and the angels, and maybe a tractor beam to “ascend” the willing believers. This technology would be a given for any intelligence that is able to travel between solar systems. In fact, this technology, aside from the tractor beam, is being researched today and is just far enough from our own scientific ability to appear divine. If you believe we could ever make contact with extra-terrestrials, it is a small jump to believe this could happen.
So what’s the point? Firstly, this is an awesome movie idea and I want credit if it gets produced. Secondly, the alien scenario, while being very unlikely, is still more likely than the more extravagant stories in the Bible.

Picture this:
In the future everyone will believe what is consistent with reality.  No, that’s just ridiculous.


  1. Do you think the alien would get more people by posing as Jesus, or just saying "dude, I'm an alien with a spaceship. Want a ride?"

  2. I think more people would question the alien's motives if he/she/it wasn't posing as Jesus.

  3. Wonderfully fun though!

    Also, concerning the tractor beam, I'll just leave this here:

  4. Wonderfully fun thought!

    Also, concerning the tractor beam, I'll just leave this here:

  5. Who painted this painting pictured at the top?